Loving Someone Through an Eating Disorder

Few things are as heartbreaking and helpless as watching someone you love suffer, especially when that pain is something as complicated, hidden, and dangerous as an eating disorder. And to be honest, you’ve probably already received so many forms of advice, you’re feeling confused and helpless as it is. So let’s dive into some real information about how to support your loved one.

If you're a parent, sibling, partner, or close friend of someone struggling, you may feel like you're walking a tightrope: you want to help, but you're terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing. You don’t want to ignore the problem, but you also don’t want to make it worse. You want to protect them but not control them.

That kind of emotional tug-of-war can leave you anxious, confused, and overwhelmed. But here’s the good news: you don’t have to be perfect to be helpful. You just have to be present.

Eating disorders are not a choice. They’re not a phase or a vanity issue. They are serious mental illnesses rooted in pain, fear, and a desperate attempt to cope. And no, you can’t reason, scold, or love someone out of an eating disorder. But your support can make a huge difference in their ability to recover.

This is a long road and your loving presence on it matters more than you know.

What Support Actually Looks Like:

1.) Be Compassionate, Not Controlling

It’s tempting to micromanage their meals, throw out the scale, or try to “fix” their behavior. But recovery isn’t about control… it’s about building trust and helping them feel safe enough to choose healing.

Instead of saying: “You have to eat this or else.” Try: “I know this is hard. I’m here with you, no matter what.”

Guiding them toward help doesn’t mean taking over their autonomy. It means creating a supportive environment where they feel empowered to get help, not punished or pressured into it.

2.) Validate Their Struggle

Eating disorders thrive in secrecy and shame. One of the most powerful things you can do is simply acknowledge their pain and let them know it’s valid–even if you don’t fully understand it. Here’s an example of compassionate dialogue: “I may not know exactly what you're going through, but I see that you're hurting. And I want to help however I can.” It’s not forceful because spoiler alert: we can force people to recover, no matter how hard we try or how loud we yell. In that situation, we’re more likely to push them away than to really help.

3.) Encourage Professional Support

No matter how much you love them, you cannot be their therapist, doctor, or dietitian. Eating disorders are complex and potentially life-threatening. Encourage them (gently and persistently) to connect with professionals who are trained to help. You might say: “This is too heavy for you to carry alone. Let's find someone who can help us through this.” And if they’re not ready? Keep the door open. Let them know you’ll walk with them when they are. If they have a team in place, communicate with the team as it's appropriate and if your loved one allows.

4.) Educate Yourself

The more you learn, the better you'll be able to show up with empathy instead of fear. Read about eating disorders. Attend family education groups. Ask questions. Get curious, not critical. Understanding the "why" behind their behaviors won’t make it less painful, but it will help you respond with patience instead of reacting with panic.

5.) Take Care of Yourself, Too

You’re allowed to feel overwhelmed. You might experience grief, anger, fear, or even resentment. That doesn’t make you a bad parent or partner or friend, it makes you human. Find your own support system. Consider therapy. Lean on trusted friends. You cannot pour from an empty cup, especially when someone you love is struggling.

What Recovery Needs From You:

• Patience: Healing is not linear. There will be progress, setbacks, plateaus. Stay steady even when they can’t.

• Consistency: Keep showing up, even when you’re pushed away, even when it seems like they don’t want help. Your steady presence is a powerful anchor. Showing up with gentle love is important.

• Unconditional love:  Let them know their worth isn’t tied to food, weight, grades, or perfection. Tell them they’re loved just for being who they are. They truly are enough–no matter what they ate or didn’t eat today, no matter what they weigh, no matter how hard they fight… they are enough as is, period.

  
  

Final Thoughts:

As a parent or loved one, your heart may feel shattered. You might feel like you’re screaming into a void. But I promise, your love, your patience, your willingness to keep showing up–it matters.

You may not have all the answers. You may not be able to “save” them. But you can walk beside them as they find their way back to themselves.

And that kind of love? That’s where healing begins. Because recovery doesn’t happen in isolation - it happens in connection. 

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If you or someone you love is struggling with an eating disorder, help is available. Contact a professional, reach out to The Alliance for Eating Disorders, or talk to your healthcare provider. You are not alone.